The sun is shining and spring has arrived. The birds chirp merrily at dawn. Everything sprouts and the colors are back. Can you be anything but happy at this time of the year?
I can. I am not happy. My dark room won’t let the light in – no matter how much I want it to. No matter how much I fight for it. No matter how many positive suggestions I repeat to myself during the day.
Actually, I don’t mind despair. I know how to handle that. What I do mind, is that ugly face of anxiety, that is glued to my brains. The anxiety puts a stop to everything that I am and everything that I want to be. It puts me down over and over again. It paralyzes me and it puts me on the roller coaster of self-pity and gives me constant physical symptoms.
Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong, since I have to feel like this? Why am I not allowed to enjoy life? Why can’t I just say: “f*ck you anxiety – get out, I don’t need you!”? Why am I this weak, that I let it beat me down?
I do know what to do. I do know, that I have to expose myself and put myself in the positions where it gets hard – to win the battle on the long run. I do know, that the physical symptoms are not because I am physically ill, but it’s the way that anxiety shows. I do know that I have to fight small battles at first, and gradually increase the pressure.
I also know how difficult it is to get out of bed, when the whole world is spinning in front of your eyes. And I know how hard it is to go out into the sunshine, when the pavement magically has turned into a path of cotton, and the rubberband is crawling up to your head trying to squeeze out both your throat and your brains. When your stomach rolls and you feel more nauseous than ever. – When your thoughts are running at a speed that even a marathon contestant can’t cope with. – When just sitting on the couch you feel like you lose your consciousness for a second or two – just by turning your head.
That is the moment I feel oh so sorry for myself. That is the moment I lose faith in getting a good life. That is the moment I lose the will to fight.
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